Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
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- Create Date：2021-06-26 08:54:55
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Douglas Stone
- ISBN：0670922633
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Summary
The authors of the classic Difficult Conversations teach you how to take criticism productively in Thanks for the Feedback。
We get feedback every day of our lives， from friends and family， colleagues， customers， and bosses， teachers， doctors， and strangers。 We're assessed， coached， and criticized about our performance， personalities and appearance。
We know that feedback is essential for professional development and healthy relationships - but we dread it and even dismiss it。 That's because while want to learn and grow， we also want to be accepted just as we are。
Thanks for the Feedback is the first book to address this tension head on。 In it， the world-renowned team behind the Harvard Negotiation Project offer a simple framework and powerful tools， showing us how to take on life's blizzard of comments and advice with curiosity and grace。
'I'll admit it: Thanks for the Feedback made me uncomfortable。 And that's one reason I liked it so much。 With keen insight and lots of practical takeaways， it reveals why getting feedback is so hard - and then how we can do better' Daniel H。 Pink， author of To Sell Is Human and Drive
'Thanks for the Feedback is a road map to more self-awareness， greater learning， and richer relationships。 A tour de force' Adam Grant， Wharton professor and author of Give and Take
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen are Lecturers on Law at Harvard Law School and cofounders of Triad Consulting。 Their clients include the White House， Citigroup， Honda， Johnson & Johnson， Time Warner， Unilever， and many others。 They are co-authors of the international bestseller Difficult Conversations。 Stone lives in Cambridge， MA。 Heen lives with her husband and three children in a farmhouse north of Cambridge， MA。
We get feedback every day of our lives， from friends and family， colleagues， customers， and bosses， teachers， doctors， and strangers。 We're assessed， coached， and criticized about our performance， personalities and appearance。
We know that feedback is essential for professional development and healthy relationships - but we dread it and even dismiss it。 That's because while want to learn and grow， we also want to be accepted just as we are。
Thanks for the Feedback is the first book to address this tension head on。 In it， the world-renowned team behind the Harvard Negotiation Project offer a simple framework and powerful tools， showing us how to take on life's blizzard of comments and advice with curiosity and grace。
'I'll admit it: Thanks for the Feedback made me uncomfortable。 And that's one reason I liked it so much。 With keen insight and lots of practical takeaways， it reveals why getting feedback is so hard - and then how we can do better' Daniel H。 Pink， author of To Sell Is Human and Drive
'Thanks for the Feedback is a road map to more self-awareness， greater learning， and richer relationships。 A tour de force' Adam Grant， Wharton professor and author of Give and Take
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen are Lecturers on Law at Harvard Law School and cofounders of Triad Consulting。 Their clients include the White House， Citigroup， Honda， Johnson & Johnson， Time Warner， Unilever， and many others。 They are co-authors of the international bestseller Difficult Conversations。 Stone lives in Cambridge， MA。 Heen lives with her husband and three children in a farmhouse north of Cambridge， MA。
Reviews
Jason Chandrapal
，
All my fellow humans should read this book to become better people。 We often wonder how to get better at things but the answers have always been there in front of us。 We just have to ask or perceive it。 Book could have been a bit shorter。 There was a lot of repetition which can reinforce the lesson but can also unnecessarily prolong the book。 Will keep to reference in the future。
Erich
，
Fantastic book。 I will be listening to it again。 So much to say about this and so little space。 I would recommend this to everyone。 Helps you think both about how you receive feedback and what to do with it， as well as how you provide feedback。 Definitely helps to rethink how to go about training new and more experienced employees。
Whitney
，
This was a grad school recommendation I finally got around to reading。 It has been on my list for so long and I had misremembered the premise and thought it was about how to give feedback， not receive it。 Turns out it was just as useful and I think learning to receive feedback better will also ultimately help me give better feedback。 I'm very good a receiving feedback in certain circumstances， like from a supervisor about my job。 Because of that， I tend to think I'm good at receiving feedback al This was a grad school recommendation I finally got around to reading。 It has been on my list for so long and I had misremembered the premise and thought it was about how to give feedback， not receive it。 Turns out it was just as useful and I think learning to receive feedback better will also ultimately help me give better feedback。 I'm very good a receiving feedback in certain circumstances， like from a supervisor about my job。 Because of that， I tend to think I'm good at receiving feedback all the time but I'm actually really bad at receiving feedback from my wife or from students and faculty。 I get defensive and brush it off because it makes me feel like I'm not perfect。 The book was helpful because it made me recognize patterns and triggers that I can be more aware of now when I'm getting feedback。 。。。more
Pedro Barroca
，
Pra nos desenvolver precisamos de feedbacks。 Temos visões limitadas sobre como estamos indo no trabalho， ou em qualquer outra coisa que fazemos， e receber feedbacks de outra pessoa é muito importante pro nosso desenvolvimento。 Mas receber feedbacks não é fácil。 Nossa primeira reação é ficar na defensiva。 Nos sentimos atacados， ou injustiçados de alguma forma。 Ao mesmo tempo que queremos melhorar também queremos ser aceitos e respeitados como somos。Ouvir o que uma pessoa tem a dizer sobre você nã Pra nos desenvolver precisamos de feedbacks。 Temos visões limitadas sobre como estamos indo no trabalho， ou em qualquer outra coisa que fazemos， e receber feedbacks de outra pessoa é muito importante pro nosso desenvolvimento。 Mas receber feedbacks não é fácil。 Nossa primeira reação é ficar na defensiva。 Nos sentimos atacados， ou injustiçados de alguma forma。 Ao mesmo tempo que queremos melhorar também queremos ser aceitos e respeitados como somos。Ouvir o que uma pessoa tem a dizer sobre você não é uma característica inata， mas algo que pode ser aprendido e cultivado。 Esse livro desenvolve os benefícios de receber bem um feedback e ajuda a entender nossas defesas e a desarma-las quando preciso para ouvirmos melhor。 Isso não significa que os autores querem que você concorde com tudo que dizem pra você， mas que você mantenha sua mente aberta a ouvir e use em benefício próprio。O livro é dividido em 5 partes。 Na primeira os autores apresentam todo o conteúdo do livro de forma resumida。 Na segunda falam sobre o gatilho da verdade， a resistência que nos temos a feedbacks que não consideramos reais。 Na segunda parte falam sobre o gatilho do relacionamento， que é a resistência que temos a feedbacks dados por pessoas que não tem credibilidade conosco。 Na Quarta falam do gatilho da identidade， que é a resistência que temos a feedbacks que abalam de alguma forma a maneira como nos vemos。 A ultima parte fala mais sobre o uso desse conceito em organizações， onde existem programas de avaliação de funcionários。Em um momento os autores fazem uma associação entre feedback e um rotulo de produto que eu achei fantástica -Muitas vezes quem nos dá feedback está só mostrando o rótulo de um produto que vai nos ajudar。 Eles julgam que uma informação resumida é suficiente pra entender o que ele quer dizer， e por outro lado a gente acha que entendeu também e recusa。 Mas cabe a gente， perguntar mais sobre o produto， investigar as informações nutricionais e até experimentar pra ver se a gente gosta， antes de negar。Não é um livro fácil de entender em apenas uma lida。 Os capítulos fazem a gente refletir bastante sobre o nosso comportamento， então acho bom dar uma parada de vez em quando para refletir sobre a gente mesmo。 O autor usa casos para ilustrar ilustrar situações onde o conteúdo do livro é necessário e isso ajuda muito na compreensão。 Um resumo no final de cada capítulo ajuda a entender as ideias mais centrais。No geral achei o livro muito bom。 Enquanto o lia refleti muito sobre meu comportamento em todas as instâncias e percebi que meu comportamento com as pessoas ao meu redor mudou bastante。 Recomendo a todo mundo que esteja vivendo muitos conflitos ultimamente。 Com certeza vai te ajudar。 。。。more
Diana Arm
，
Kartais prašome kitų grįžtamojo ryšio， taip vadinamo feedback’o， o dažnai jį gauname neprašydami， bet ar žinome ką su gauta informacija daryti vienu ar kitu atveju？ Pasirodo tai tikras menas， valdyti informaciją kurią gauname iš kitų apie save， nes norime ir mokytis ir būti mylimi tokie， kokie esame。Kaip be būtų būkime augančios asmenybės， priimkime informaciją ir teisingai ją panaudokime， o ši knyga puiki priemone pradėti to mokytis。
Loraine
，
This is one of the most useful books I've read in a long time， and I read a lot of these kinds of books！I love that this approaches feedback not as a one-way street， but as a relationship。 It's an evolving process of communication that has so many elements but each one is unpacked here and analyzed so well。 80% of my job operates on a feedback system， but I highly recommend this book to anyone who has relationships。 Feedback exists in all sorts of ways we don't notice， and a lot of misunderstand This is one of the most useful books I've read in a long time， and I read a lot of these kinds of books！I love that this approaches feedback not as a one-way street， but as a relationship。 It's an evolving process of communication that has so many elements but each one is unpacked here and analyzed so well。 80% of my job operates on a feedback system， but I highly recommend this book to anyone who has relationships。 Feedback exists in all sorts of ways we don't notice， and a lot of misunderstanding is rooted in mistaking comments for critical feedback when it might not have been intended that way。 All your frustrations with your mom or your spouse can be navigated into less annoying territory with the insights from this book！ 。。。more
Collin Likover
，
Would have given it 3。5 stars but didn’t want to necessarily prevent people from reading it。 Takes too long to get the points across I will say and was twice as long as it needed to be。 Still very informative
Lena Norlund
，
This is The Book evdryone should read。 If they do The world be less complicated。 Will try what I learnt on my dear husband since 41 yeats， its never to late ro learn something New。
Chrisanne
，
Good points， some of them new to me and some of them not。 I particularly liked the section on boundaries。 And the info on brain responses （which legitimized their claim）。A section on how to give feedback would have been helpful， as well as stats， studies， and more psychological sections。 It's a bit old， but an updated version with a section addressing the Brene Brown/shame psychology would create interesting discussions。 Good points， some of them new to me and some of them not。 I particularly liked the section on boundaries。 And the info on brain responses （which legitimized their claim）。A section on how to give feedback would have been helpful， as well as stats， studies， and more psychological sections。 It's a bit old， but an updated version with a section addressing the Brene Brown/shame psychology would create interesting discussions。 。。。more
Irene Pérez-chirinos
，
Overall is a very useful book， it’s nice to see some of my daily struggles explained and some tips to avoid them。 However I have the feeling that it would still be as useful with half the examples listed， having that much made the reading a bit slow。 Apart from that， I really liked the humor in the book。
Riah
，
Dry， but excellent points and summaries with good examples。 Heavy on the expectation of growth-mindset。
Enid Williamson
，
Good read
Dylan Bean
，
Want to go into middle management？ This is the book for you。
Greg
，
Thanks for the Feedback is a thoughtful approach to why and how to receive feedback， and what to do with it once received。 It is evidence-based， very practical and with a strong theoretical foundation。 I assigned it as one of the readings for my Interpersonal Leadership Skills class this past semester， and heard from multiple students how helpful it was to them。 Seeking and receiving feedback gracefully and gratefully， may be one of the most difficult （and rare） things to do， whether in one's pr Thanks for the Feedback is a thoughtful approach to why and how to receive feedback， and what to do with it once received。 It is evidence-based， very practical and with a strong theoretical foundation。 I assigned it as one of the readings for my Interpersonal Leadership Skills class this past semester， and heard from multiple students how helpful it was to them。 Seeking and receiving feedback gracefully and gratefully， may be one of the most difficult （and rare） things to do， whether in one's professional life or personal life。 Stone and Heen go a long way to helping their readers with this challenging yet crucial part of life。 Highly recommended for students， professionals， and anyone else who struggles with feedback。 。。。more
Christy Joy
，
This book starts from the intriguing premise that much more skill is needed in how to receive feedback than how to give it。 In a similar style to "Difficult Conversations"， the two authors break down all the places where feedback conversations tend to go off the lines and provide concrete advice for how to navigate these conversations more skillfully and learn more effectively from the formal and informal advice we receive all the time。I found it an interesting read， a bit dry in places， but I a This book starts from the intriguing premise that much more skill is needed in how to receive feedback than how to give it。 In a similar style to "Difficult Conversations"， the two authors break down all the places where feedback conversations tend to go off the lines and provide concrete advice for how to navigate these conversations more skillfully and learn more effectively from the formal and informal advice we receive all the time。I found it an interesting read， a bit dry in places， but I appreciate the way they alway circle back to practical application。 There are definitely a few gems I'll be taking away from this: perhaps most importantly that most feedback can be sorted into three boxes: appreciation， coaching and evaluation， and that being clear on what you're hoping to receive and what the other is offering can help bring clarity to feedback conversations。 。。。more
Mark
，
This was a difficult book for me to process， perhaps because I listened to the audiobook while driving。 While it was filled with examples， not many of them hit home for me。 Perhaps a second reading at some point in the future will help me to more practically apply the content。
Caitlin
，
The audio version was good enough that I decided to buy the paperback to have a reference point after the fact。 Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well， understandably focuses on being the recipient of feedback and realizing some of the heuristics or pitfalls that we may fall victim to， which can hinder our growth as individuals both in our personal lives as well as in professional settings。 The authors do a good job of explaining key terms and the summaries at th The audio version was good enough that I decided to buy the paperback to have a reference point after the fact。 Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well， understandably focuses on being the recipient of feedback and realizing some of the heuristics or pitfalls that we may fall victim to， which can hinder our growth as individuals both in our personal lives as well as in professional settings。 The authors do a good job of explaining key terms and the summaries at the end of each chapter are great recaps and quick reference points。 If you consider listening to the audio version I will caution you that the delivery is a bit dry on the whole， but if you can keep your attention focused， the lessons are worthwhile。 Otherwise， I would recommend the print version。 I’ve already recommended this to a few colleagues at work and hope to incorporate it into my own processes for receiving feedback as well as helping others to be effective listeners， consider biases they may have when receiving feedback， and identify relevant areas for improvement。 。。。more
Sarah
，
Amazing book， I'm reading this one again at least 2x to get it into my brain。 Great for communication skills in general。 <3 Amazing book， I'm reading this one again at least 2x to get it into my brain。 Great for communication skills in general。 <3 。。。more
Ricardo Armas
，
Such an amazing and helpful book
Han Lin
，
Useful， but perhaps overly long。Notes- 3 kinds of feedback: appreciation， coaching， evaluation- when giving feedback， state observations and data （your work is x） instead of interpretation/judgment （e。g。 you're lazy）- give up wrong spotting， seek to understand- don't assume intention， state the impact instead when giving feedback- blind spot alert = when you wonder what the other person's agenda is or what's wrong with them- when asking for feedback， ask "what do you see me doing， or failing to Useful， but perhaps overly long。Notes- 3 kinds of feedback: appreciation， coaching， evaluation- when giving feedback， state observations and data （your work is x） instead of interpretation/judgment （e。g。 you're lazy）- give up wrong spotting， seek to understand- don't assume intention， state the impact instead when giving feedback- blind spot alert = when you wonder what the other person's agenda is or what's wrong with them- when asking for feedback， ask "what do you see me doing， or failing to do， that is getting in my own way？" 。 This specifically asks for coaching and is narrower and easier to answer。 - when receiving negative feedback， instead of finding contradictory feedback， look for consistent feedback- look for patterns， "where have I heard this negative feedback before？ "- honest mirrors vs supportive mirrors- focus on change the from the inside out （authenticity）- we discount our own emotions while others count it double- switch track conversation: topic is switched and there are two separate tracks。 This defeats feedback。- where， when， and how feedback is given matters， but who （credibility） matters most- treat trust and content of feedback as separate topics- we tend to like people that like us， and that are like us- you can often grow from feedback most from people that give you trouble- honest mirrors are often those whom we have the hardest time working with。 We can grow most from their feedback。 - three key relationship interests: appreciation， autonomy， acceptance- autonomy: boundaries are often invisible to us and others until crossed- negotiations about boundaries of ownership and autonomy are more productive than debate over details- acceptance: we find it hard to receive advice from those that don't accept us as a person- switch tracking solution- spot the two separate tracks and signposting: clearly label and separate the two tracks- "I see two related but separate topics to discuss。 Let's discuss then separately"you should discuss the first topic first， unless your emotional trigger reaction is so strong that you can't hear the first topic。- autonomy and acceptance triggers- "what are you worried about？" to suss out people's tracks- role confusion and clarity is important， e。 g。 two twins in a cop and speeder role relationship may still have tension- the problem can be both the person and the system: e。g。 bank robber and poor security of the bank- take 3 steps back to observe the system: 1。 you + me， 2。 roles and responsibilities， 3。 processes and environment- when rejecting feedback， be firm yet appreciative- boundaries on receiving negative feedback: acknowledge that we have complex feelings e。g。 "I appreciate your feedback AND it hurts my feelings"- triggering the identity trigger will shutdown listening- things to ask when receiving feedback: "what do you see me doing that's getting in my own way？"， "what are you most worried about？" - people want to understand the process and to know that you care- be a conversation referee to defuse heated conversations， identify where you are in the conversation- distinguish between the feedback giver's position （their best idea about how to solve the problem） and their underlying interests。 You may be able to come up with a solution that satisfies the underlying interest but was different than their original position- "what is one thing I could change that can make a big difference to you？" 。。。more
Shane
，
It refreshingly used believable， everyday situations to underscore the importance of the offered advice。 This is more effective than resorting to frameworks supported by contrived examples。
library4one
，
Everyone should read this book。
Rick
，
Man there is a lot to the art of feedback and this book breaks it down so that you can do a better job whether you're on the giving end or the receiving end to make the most of whatever feedback comes your way。 I believe it has massive application both personally and professionally。 So if you want a clearer understanding， give it a shot。 Man there is a lot to the art of feedback and this book breaks it down so that you can do a better job whether you're on the giving end or the receiving end to make the most of whatever feedback comes your way。 I believe it has massive application both personally and professionally。 So if you want a clearer understanding， give it a shot。 。。。more
Analie
，
I'm glad I read this book。 It's a meaty 300+ pages and a little slow at first， but stick with it。 Where some books inspire but are difficult to apply， this is practical。 I found it natural to practice a few techniques and started getting results right away。 The 3rd section "Feedback In Conversation" is gold。 I'm glad I read this book。 It's a meaty 300+ pages and a little slow at first， but stick with it。 Where some books inspire but are difficult to apply， this is practical。 I found it natural to practice a few techniques and started getting results right away。 The 3rd section "Feedback In Conversation" is gold。 。。。more
Serdo Ahmad
，
This book gives many different views about how to handle the different feedback。 However it could be a short book， but the writer tried to repeat many details。 Anyway， the book can help each one of us how to uncover the feedback giver's thoughts and what that they try to tell us when they give us feedback。 This book gives many different views about how to handle the different feedback。 However it could be a short book， but the writer tried to repeat many details。 Anyway， the book can help each one of us how to uncover the feedback giver's thoughts and what that they try to tell us when they give us feedback。 。。。more
Viktor Lototskyi
，
Took time to go through it since it's dense and requires time to grok。 Yet， it's one of the most impactful books I've read in the past year。Accepting feedback is a much more in-depth subject than I thought。 Understanding it and then constantly working on applying and improving that understanding is impactful on all aspects of life。 Took time to go through it since it's dense and requires time to grok。 Yet， it's one of the most impactful books I've read in the past year。Accepting feedback is a much more in-depth subject than I thought。 Understanding it and then constantly working on applying and improving that understanding is impactful on all aspects of life。 。。。more
Anna Wildman
，
An easy-to-read guide about why and how we respond to feedback， so real that I had to laugh when I recognised my own response。 Great for any manager keen to master the critical skills needed， and for anyone on the receiving end who would like to approach feedback conversations feeling better equipped to handle what's coming。 An easy-to-read guide about why and how we respond to feedback， so real that I had to laugh when I recognised my own response。 Great for any manager keen to master the critical skills needed， and for anyone on the receiving end who would like to approach feedback conversations feeling better equipped to handle what's coming。 。。。more
Meredith
，
I really struggle to receive negative feedback gracefully。 This book gave me some helpful food for thought to change my attitude around feedback。 Some highlights:-The concept of there being three types of feedback （coaching， evaluation， and appreciation） and that conflict happens when you are expecting one type and get another-Remember that the person giving you feedback is human; they may not be great at giving feedback， might be having an off day themselves， etc。-People are wired differently f I really struggle to receive negative feedback gracefully。 This book gave me some helpful food for thought to change my attitude around feedback。 Some highlights:-The concept of there being three types of feedback （coaching， evaluation， and appreciation） and that conflict happens when you are expecting one type and get another-Remember that the person giving you feedback is human; they may not be great at giving feedback， might be having an off day themselves， etc。-People are wired differently for handling negative feedback/situations。。。some people will swing a great deal from their baseline mood and take awhile to rebound， while others won't swing too far and will quickly rebound to normal; it's normal to be either type， and when giving feedback it's useful to consider how the recipient may think Most of all， it was helpful to realize that enough people struggle to receive feedback that this sort of book exists。。。made me feel that my experience was a little more typical than I had realized。 。。。more
Sarah Zamith
，
This was great。 So useful for individual life as well as for a people manager。
Matt Moore
，